I am a Survivor

I am a Survivor

 

I have just celebrated my third anniversary of a breast cancer diagnosis in 2016.  I am feeling strong yet weak, fearless yet afraid, blessed even though I have been struck by lightning twice!

 

Those of you who do not know me, this was my second breast cancer diagnosis.  I was divorced in 1999 and about 15 months later I was diagnosed with breast cancer on the left side.  I was a divorced, 41 year old single Mom to a 6 year old boy and felt very all alone.  Oh, I had friends and co-workers who were there to support me, but late at night, I was all alone wondering what the future held for me and my son. My family was not near, My Dad and one sister still lived at home in New York and another sister in Phoenix.  I knew I had to be strong but there were times it was very difficult.  I often sat alone and listened to this song but Don Wharton over and over.

 

Just Be strong and courageous,

Don’t be discouraged, don’t be afraid.

Just be Strong and courageous

For the Lord you God is with you all the time.

 

I do wish I could find a video or even audio of this song but when I do I will post it.

 

I must share that at this time I was still so very bitter over the divorce and I really believed I would never be able to trust anyone again and be alone the rest of my life.  I was prepared for that but instead I found someone who I could trust – Jason was a friend, we shared a hobby but he helped me laugh when all I really wanted to do was cry.

 

That friendship, I believe, was how I learned to trust another person again, and in December of 2001 Jason and I were married.

 

Fast forward through our children growing up, my sister moving in with us and then into a nursing home, job changes and then in 2014 Jason lost his job and the search for a new one took us to Ireland, and Toronto but eventually we ended in Raleigh, North Carolina.  This is where Jason was born, although his family moved him to Arkansas when he was 10 days old.  His Mother and one brother live just about an hour from where we live now.  We worked on settling in, paying off debt and saving for a house.  I was teaching and things were good.

I will add, that I kept up with my annual mammograms, and by now the fear that always came the week or so before I have my annual had almost gone away.  I guess you can say it is like some kind of PTSD – I will never forget the first time the doctor looked at me straight in the eye, after the first ultrasound, and said, “Mrs. Tenison this is very serious and you must see a surgeon right away”.  You never forget the feeling but it had faded a bit in 16 years.

 

I went in on New Years’ Eve 2015 for my annual mammogram and they found something suspect so they did an ultra sound.  They recommended a needle biopsy but could not get ahold of my primary care physician to get it approved.  I will also add I kept trying to call Jason but his phone was dead and I was getting more and more frantic. So, I was scheduled for the biopsy the following Wednesday.

 

I made it through the biopsy and I was thinking surely not again?  But one of those PTSD moments hit on Friday afternoon when I went back to the doctor and she looked at me and said “You have breast cancer AGAIN, you have been through this you know the drill”. Not quite the way I would have liked to get the news but it is what it is.

 

I had to find a surgeon, tell my children, and then face this AGAIN!  I guess I still capitalize that would because it is so true AGAIN! AGAIN!

 

This cancer was on the right side, the pathology was totally different from the first diagnosis so I really had been struck by lightning a second time.  Treatment took about 9 months.  Surgery to remove the cancer, reconstruction to make both breasts look smaller but “perky” as I say, Shaving my head in preparation for chemo.  I had four rounds, and then 6 ½ weeks of radiation.  This time I didn’t feel so alone because Jason was there for me.  He even said this was different for him because last time he was a just helping out a friend but this time it was his wife.  Jason’s Mom, Linda, was a life saver, she was there for both of us when we needed her.

 

I know this job in North Carolina was where we were supposed to be, I do not know what I would have done had we been in Ireland or Canada?  Far from family and a totally different health care system.

 

Writing about this helps so very much.  I kept a Blog which really did help me through the worst of it.  I still have anxiety as I go in for my annual mammograms.  I still have lasting effects from the chemo that will never go away, but I am getting better every day.  Which bring me to the next song, this song is on Marie Osmonds’ latest alum Music is Medicine.  Marie is joined by Olivia Newton John, who at this time is going through her second battle with breast cancer.

To all those who have been through this or especially those who are witness to a family member or loved one living with this diagnosis.  Be kind, be patient, be present and don’t forget to make them laugh!!!

 

https://binged.it/2RK6Eyk

 

I’m stronger than ever

Every struggle somehow taught me how to fight

Each tomorrow is always looking bright

I keep getting better all the time.

Mary, did you know?

Happy 9th Day of Christmas!  I don’t have ladies dancing today but I have two of my favorite Christmas songs to share with you.

The first is a popular song and I will share the version sung by Pentatonix.  There is something about acapella singing I adore, it goes straight to my heart.

Mary, did you Know? https://binged.it/2R3TqvN

I have always had a special place in my heart for Mary, the Mother of God.  Maybe because I have her name, maybe it got stronger while I was pregnant.  To have new life inside of you and to know that you are a part of God’s plan to CREATE life.  Pretty spectacular feeling!  I can be certain that Mary felt the same things all pregnant mothers feel, but on top of that she had the Angel of God tell her this was the Savior, the Lamb of God, the Son of God.  What might she have been feeling with those added pressures? 

The song looks at our perspective – did she know all the details of her Son’s life?  Well, no she didn’t but she had the same hopeful feelings during her pregnancy that all mothers do.  What will my child look like?  What will he or she become or do in the world?  Don’t all Mothers aspire to leave the world a better place and hope that our offspring are part of making it a better place?  Mary had one more thing to rely on and that was her faith that these promises told to her by the Angel and to Joseph in a dream were in fact the voice of God telling her who this child really was – the Son of God!

This next song is not as well know but really speaks to my heart and is probably one of my all time favorite songs.  This is a song more from the perspective of what Mary was thinking and helps me connect with what she might have been feeling and how she got through hard times of doubt and pain.

Breath of Heaven (Mary’s Song) https://youtu.be/TOQRtYYERGo

Again, it connects me to Mary –  Even after the message from the Angel, even after the dream Joseph had, surely she had her doubts about this baby?  I can believe it was her faith that kept her going.  Well, her faith along with the occasional visits from strangers (the king bearing gifts) and the words from strangers (Simeon).

“Lord, now let your servant depart in peace, according to your word; for my eyes have seen your salvation which you have prepared in the presence of all peoples, a light for revelation to the Gentiles, and for glory to your people Israel.” And his father and his mother marveled at what was said about him; 34 and Simeon blessed them and said to Mary his mother, “Behold, this child is set for the fall and rising of many in Israel, and for a sign that is spoken against (and a sword will pierce through your own soul also),that thoughts out of many hearts may be revealed.” – Luke 2:25, RSV-2CE  

Those encounters must have kept her and Joseph going every single time they doubted.  And in those times of doubt Mary’s faith led her to pray and ask for that light Breath of Heaven to be with her.  I have sung this song and said this prayer through hard times of my own and asked that God just send a small breath of heaven to push me through the hard time and remind me of His love and promise to take care of me always.  Maybe that is what Mary prayed for – the breath of God to help her through the task of raising the Son of God.

 

 

Christmas Past

Christmas past

Many childhood memories surface around the Christmas Holiday.  Many of them include music – Adeste Fidelis Oh come All Ye Faithful – I can still HEAR my Mom singing that hymn literally I hear her voice singing it in latin.  Adeste Fideles

I was the youngest of three girls and there was quite a gap in our ages.  My oldest sister A was 16 when I was born and my middle sister C was 11 when I was born so I really was “the baby”.  My Mom called me her baby until she passed away.  It was almost like I was an only child with all of us being so far apart. So, when I became conscious of Santa I was the only one in the house getting Santa presents and it was pretty cool to have all the attention.

I few gifts that stick out in my memory was the year I REALLY wanted a puppy – but did not get one – a real one at least.  I had my pretend puppy in the basement and he was there every time I went down there to play, he walked with me to school and waited for me each afternoon. I believe I had that “puppy” until at least May – maybe I was just lonely?

The year I got my own stereo and headphones was the best – I could listen to my music as loud as I wanted anytime I wanted – it was most likely the Osmonds! The Osmonds

I loved Christmas, I still do.  The music, I love listening to it, I love singing it I love playing it.  Even this year as a member of our community band I still enjoy, really enjoy playing all of the traditional Christmas music.  You’d think after playing Christmas Festival almost every year since I was in high school I would be sick of it by now but noooo I LOVE IT! Christmas Festival – Boston Pops

Music has always carried me away to a happy place, it touches something inside me that is very hard to explain and Christmas music even more so because of all of the memories attached to it.

TO all who took the time to read this entry, thank you and a very Merry Christmas to you! 

Welcome to my life!

I have been planning to start this Blog for many months now and finally on December 2, 2018 it is done.  What will I write about?  Well, my first love has always been and will always be music so you will read my thoughts on musical pieces and how they have affected my life.  I also will include personal thoughts about my life and the world around me.  I hope this will allow my children and grandchildren to know me better.  I love discussion and welcome comments, but remember this is all my own opinion so you might not agree with everything I share, but I am adult enough to hear your side.  So, Happy First day of Advent 2018 and Welcome to my Life!!!