I am a Survivor
I have just celebrated my third anniversary of a breast cancer diagnosis in 2016. I am feeling strong yet weak, fearless yet afraid, blessed even though I have been struck by lightning twice!
Those of you who do not know me, this was my second breast cancer diagnosis. I was divorced in 1999 and about 15 months later I was diagnosed with breast cancer on the left side. I was a divorced, 41 year old single Mom to a 6 year old boy and felt very all alone. Oh, I had friends and co-workers who were there to support me, but late at night, I was all alone wondering what the future held for me and my son. My family was not near, My Dad and one sister still lived at home in New York and another sister in Phoenix. I knew I had to be strong but there were times it was very difficult. I often sat alone and listened to this song but Don Wharton over and over.
Just Be strong and courageous,
Don’t be discouraged, don’t be afraid.
Just be Strong and courageous
For the Lord you God is with you all the time.
I do wish I could find a video or even audio of this song but when I do I will post it.
I must share that at this time I was still so very bitter over the divorce and I really believed I would never be able to trust anyone again and be alone the rest of my life. I was prepared for that but instead I found someone who I could trust – Jason was a friend, we shared a hobby but he helped me laugh when all I really wanted to do was cry.
That friendship, I believe, was how I learned to trust another person again, and in December of 2001 Jason and I were married.
Fast forward through our children growing up, my sister moving in with us and then into a nursing home, job changes and then in 2014 Jason lost his job and the search for a new one took us to Ireland, and Toronto but eventually we ended in Raleigh, North Carolina. This is where Jason was born, although his family moved him to Arkansas when he was 10 days old. His Mother and one brother live just about an hour from where we live now. We worked on settling in, paying off debt and saving for a house. I was teaching and things were good.
I will add, that I kept up with my annual mammograms, and by now the fear that always came the week or so before I have my annual had almost gone away. I guess you can say it is like some kind of PTSD – I will never forget the first time the doctor looked at me straight in the eye, after the first ultrasound, and said, “Mrs. Tenison this is very serious and you must see a surgeon right away”. You never forget the feeling but it had faded a bit in 16 years.
I went in on New Years’ Eve 2015 for my annual mammogram and they found something suspect so they did an ultra sound. They recommended a needle biopsy but could not get ahold of my primary care physician to get it approved. I will also add I kept trying to call Jason but his phone was dead and I was getting more and more frantic. So, I was scheduled for the biopsy the following Wednesday.
I made it through the biopsy and I was thinking surely not again? But one of those PTSD moments hit on Friday afternoon when I went back to the doctor and she looked at me and said “You have breast cancer AGAIN, you have been through this you know the drill”. Not quite the way I would have liked to get the news but it is what it is.
I had to find a surgeon, tell my children, and then face this AGAIN! I guess I still capitalize that would because it is so true AGAIN! AGAIN!
This cancer was on the right side, the pathology was totally different from the first diagnosis so I really had been struck by lightning a second time. Treatment took about 9 months. Surgery to remove the cancer, reconstruction to make both breasts look smaller but “perky” as I say, Shaving my head in preparation for chemo. I had four rounds, and then 6 ½ weeks of radiation. This time I didn’t feel so alone because Jason was there for me. He even said this was different for him because last time he was a just helping out a friend but this time it was his wife. Jason’s Mom, Linda, was a life saver, she was there for both of us when we needed her.
I know this job in North Carolina was where we were supposed to be, I do not know what I would have done had we been in Ireland or Canada? Far from family and a totally different health care system.
Writing about this helps so very much. I kept a Blog which really did help me through the worst of it. I still have anxiety as I go in for my annual mammograms. I still have lasting effects from the chemo that will never go away, but I am getting better every day. Which bring me to the next song, this song is on Marie Osmonds’ latest alum Music is Medicine. Marie is joined by Olivia Newton John, who at this time is going through her second battle with breast cancer.
To all those who have been through this or especially those who are witness to a family member or loved one living with this diagnosis. Be kind, be patient, be present and don’t forget to make them laugh!!!
I’m stronger than ever
Every struggle somehow taught me how to fight
Each tomorrow is always looking bright
I keep getting better all the time.
MJmusiclady 